Figure 1.a. Letter (see transcript)
Dear Giraffe Removals,
We are in need of your very skilled and particular services. There isn't another organisation on the entire continent that comes as well qualified for the task as you. Certainly, no other business in the field could or indeed chooses to compete.
I am writing to you about a matter requiring a reasonable degree of discretion. It has become increasingly apparent that for one particular member of our extended household it is time to say "See you later, alligator," though I guess that would require rather a different service, wouldn't it?
A Devious Plan
In perhaps two weeks I will, for lack of a better word, 'lay it on the fellow' and let him know that he's being given the boot. At this point and at a prearranged time I will require you to swoop in and conduct your business in a swift, speedy and hopefully uneventful manner. He is a rather temperamental fellow and, well, as they say, once the cat's out of the bag… though again I suppose that would require an altogether different service. Either way, I warn you that he is skittish and prone to lapses of emotional volatility. I guess what I am trying to say is that it needs to be a clean break, for his sake and for the sake of our garden.
You see, he has been causing all sorts of trouble with our formerly friendly neighbours' trees and devouring whatever shoots might stutter through the topsoil of our sorry excuse for a cabbage patch. Not good at all. He's also been making the young lady on the second floor a bit uncomfortable with altogether too much heavy breathing on the window. And I maintain that our outhouse will never be the same again.
In his defence he has perfunctorily weeded our gutters but I maintain that kind act was entirely a bi-product of his absurd appetite.
The fellow in question is close to 17 feet tall. (I don't suppose you have a box that size?) He is 7 or 8 years old and on the feisty side, so proceed with caution. Though I guess that is really your field of expertise isn't it.
I had wondered where you'll put him? Perhaps he'll be put to use as an adept chimney sweep in a cool climate. (I would ask that you please don't turn him into sandwiches.)
I've combed the directories where I found such unlikely and unsuitable preliminaries as Gorilla Movers Pty Ltd, Black Horse Removalists, Mammoth Movers and Dragon Express but no other organisation measures up. I am left in no doubt that you are the ones for the job.
Please reply post haste. This has become a matter of resounding urgency.
About This Correspondence
The inner-city advertisement boldly read "Giraffe Removals" and displayed pictures of two giraffes. Yes, I thought to myself, just what I've been looking for and in the nick of time too.