- Christopher Cooper to Holeproof Underpants
- Holeproof Underpants to Christopher Cooper
- About This Correspondence
Figure 1.a. Letter (see transcript)
Dear Holeproof Underpants,
I am writing to inform you that unfortunately your underpants are not, in fact, hole-proof. I was recently mildly disappointed to discover that my new pair of Holeproof underpants had developed a small and then increasingly more significant hole next to the crotch - a rather compromising place to develop a hole of such lively proportions.
Admittedly, on my part, the development of the Holeproof hole happened to coincide with some light jogging. However, the Holeproof socks (perhaps a different department?) were enthusiastically and perhaps metaphorically advertised on the feet of a gentleman running long coarse highways in the rugged Australian countryside. It is safe to say that, in light of this wonderful, almost utopian advertisement, I optimistically assumed my new Holeproof undertrousers were up to the task.
Does Holeproof offer a range of high-performance underpants that I might wear when lightly jogging? I quite like the Holeproof brand and would rather stick with it for a while yet. Might it be possible for you to replace my holy underpants?
Thank you for your time,
Christopher L. H. Cooper
Figure 2.a. Letter (see transcript)
Thank you for your letter [sic]
I am concerned that you are unhappy with our products and we most certainly appreciate your feedback. We strive for the highest quality in all our products at Pacific Brands and comments such as yours assist us in achieving this objective. It would help if you are able to send back any product that you believe is faulty so we can pass these onto our Quality Control team to assess.
Please address all correspondence to:
Pacific Brands Consumer Returns Reply Paid 86229 PO Box 16 Broadmeadows VIC 3047
Due to health regulations all products returned to us for Quality Assurance, ust be laundered.
In order to arrange a complimentary replacement product, would you please include the following information with the garment you return:
1) Brief description of the problem 2) Any packaging you have and receipts (if possible) 3) Your Name 4) Postal Address 5) Phone Number 6) Your preferred style, colour and size for a replacement product (if product is discontinued) 7) Please note the expected response time is 4 weeks 8) PLEASE DON'T FORGET TO TELL US YOUR SIZE
We value the opportunity to analyse problems, which our customers may experience with our products. The information gathered helps in the continual improvement of the quality of our garments. We thank you again for taking the time to bring the matter to our attention.
Rachel Moore Consumer team Freecall 1800 810 449
115 Cotham Road Kew Victoria 3101 Australia
Figure 3.a. My new pair of Holeproof undies.
About This Correspondence
Holeproof underpants are, in fact, not hole-proof. I made this discovery after a stint of light jogging, which had rent my undies asunder (at the crotch). This was an instance of profound universal injustice that could not be tolerated.